Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in deadmage's LiveJournal:

Sunday, March 9th, 2008
8:36 pm	Six years later ... ... different job, different convention, same life. I'm not even convinced that surviving six years has been a good thing ... it's meant I'm still depressed, still alone, I've spent even more money I can't afford and while I've changed company, it's just a different bunch of people with different personality defects fucking me over. Still not sleeping properly ... ... and still haven't killed anyone, including myself ... so not even accomplishing anything worthwhile. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Friday, April 12th, 2002
4:30 am	Christ, 4:30am ... again I need sleep, I really need sleep, I don't handle stress well when I'm tired, but still I've seen 4am more often in the last two weeks than the nights when I've been asleep at 4am. I've been asleep before midnight *once* since, well, at least the Monday before Easter, and that's because I collapsed on the couch last night at 23:55 and just fell asleep instantly until I woke up on the couch at 6:45am and then switched off the TV and went back to sleep on the couch until 8:30am. Over easter I made it back to the hotel room ONCE before 5am, and that was 4:50 and I didn't actually get to bed until after 5, and was up, showered and down to breakfast by 9am ... I just *wish* it was because I was getting lucky rather than being shot down by the closest thing I had to my ideal woman for a long time ... ... there's something wrong somewhere, aside from the incredibly depressing thing that happened at Easter, which I'm going to mention in passing and then not talk about again ... it's bloody annoying when you can't vent your unhappiness in case the person who caused it is reading and then takes it personal, can't they just shut the fuck up and realise that this DJ is the place where I can let out the side of me that gets stamped on the rest of the time? I just want to rant and rave, but "oh no" she'll get upset and then I'll spend ages grovelling and apologising and for what? Nothing, well, the promise of nothing but the possibility that one day, maybe, if the world changes in just the right way, she'll get another chance to cut me open again ... ... there's a story that the male pelican is the bravest of animals because when he sees a potential mate he walks up, and bares his breast, and if the female isn't interested she plunges her beak into his chest, which is often fatal ... can't think for the life of me why that comes to mind ... fuck. And yeah, "we can still be friends", yeah, so? We were friends before, she's still gorgeous and now so much more attractive now I know she's up for so much more, except now she wants to pull back and reduce the complexity (and at the same time she doesn't want to be "comfortable with me", wtf?) Sure, we can be friends, and I'll wait to see what happens, and life still sucks. BBC news had an item on St.John's Wort (bazuka would have cleared that up you know....) and how it doesn't seem to do anything for major depression but does interfere with anti-cancer drugs, great, you can be depressed and now die of cancer too by using a "natural" remedy ... they listed the symptoms of "major depression" and I got 100% ... where's the "What's my major mental dysfunction" quiz then? Symptoms of Major Depression 1) "A depressed mood". Damn, who would have thought it, being depressed is a symptom of depression, shit. 2) "Loss of interest in normal activities that lasts most of the day nearly every day for at least two weeks". How does "ever since I can remember" count against two weeks? 3) "Significant weight loss or gain" if you know me you know which it is, and if you don't, fuck off. 4) "Sleep disturbances, agitation or unusual slowness". Sleep is totally fucked up, paranoia is endemic but at least the slowness is only manifesting when I'm 3/4s asleep. 5) "Feelings of worthlessness or guilt", yep, that sums things up, that or sudden irritability, anger and lack of patience in the brain dead prats I work with or the total cretins that think they can drive 6) "Lack of concentration", shit I can't even be bothered to do the obvious crap joke ... I can't even concentrate on porn at the moment, I end up switching to a different channel or reading my email or something instead ... 7) "Recurrant thoughts of death or suicide", only about daily at the moment. Life should be good, job pays large chunks of money, I've more "toys" than I have time to use them, friends in heaps competing for my time, interesting job (if I could be bothered) and my sex and social life over the last 18 months have been about the best they've ever been (which isn't really saying that much) and still I keep thinking that if I just killed myself now then at least it would all be over and I wouldn't have to go through it all tomorrow, again, and again the day after and the day after that. It all takes energy, it all takes getting up in the morning and going to work, and staying awake all day, and dealing with fools and morons (most of the people I work with are actually very clever, it's just that most of them have personality flaws the size of the Grand Canyon ... one guy gets totally confused and switches off if two people try to explain the same thing to him, he just can't handle alternating conversation ... another guy loves the sound of his voice and will just keep on talking long after the point has been communicated and only takes the hint once you get up to somewhere between rude and offensive in telling him to shut the fuck up. Third guy has the constant smirk on his face and hides important information that he has access to and I don't because he used to have the job I've got now and he's been demoted but doesn't see why he should pass any of that along to me ... and the fourth guy smiles a lot but it's almost impossible to get him to tell me what he's been doing. Anyway, if I go to bed now, I can get three hours of sleep (two 90 minute cycles) and have some chance of not going psychotic tomorrow ... Thoughts of suicide/death: Sure, too often, and sometimes while driving, does that frighten you? (Comment on this)
Friday, March 8th, 2002
2:20 pm	Kittens and sex ... Cute pictures of kittens perfect for presenting to annoying younger brothers and sundry other wankers you may meet up with during your life ... Current Mood: bored Current Music: Airconditioner set on "perceptable" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
12:47 pm	Anger Management Now here's how to manage anger properly. You could learn a lot from this guy ... Current Mood: cranky Current Music: Medved na Lancu/Csokolom (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 15th, 2001
4:15 am	Sleep Is for wimps ... sitting at the computer until 5am (or later)and then getting 2 hours sleep before going into work is perfectly normal ... and it's not as if what I do is life or death anyway so if I doze off in the middle of a meeting with the boss who cares? (Well, aside from the boss and the other cow-orkers I have to put up with ... their opinion doesn't count anyway) (Comment on this)
Friday, November 30th, 2001
3:48 pm	Another week closer to death... Another week goes by, starting worn out and gradually heading downhill from there. Work is unrewarding, the tax people are after me, this machine keeps crashing and losing the work I've spent ages on, and even the good things that happen are transitory and remind me that they will end and then I'll have to live with the memory that things were good and aren't any more ... it's like being taken up the mountain and being shown the promised land, and then being told that, it's a nice place to visit but you're never going to live there... Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: Music From the World Tomorrow/Sun Ra/The Nubians of Plutonia (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 21st, 2001
5:20 pm	Knives and nanchuks and handcuffs ... oh my! ... years ago I saw a great diver's knife (one single piece of steel, double edged, saw tooth along one side for cutting through webbing, with large round holes in the handle, nothing else, just a single piece of steel (no wood, no plastic)). It came with a sheath with two rubber straps for attaching the knife to your leg and a quick release button that held the knife in place, even handle down ... I figured they would do great strapped to my arms under a loose top or similar ... then one of my (ex-)friends stole one ... bastard. I picked up some throwing stars (shuriken) on one of my US trips (8 stars in two leather belt pouches ... my cousin stole one of the stars ... bastard), and a couple of other knives the size of the divers knife (including a totally impractical "fantasy" dagger, metal blade but with a plastic handle and a plastic moulding running along the place where there would usually be a blood groove) .... and later a set of deadly ninja throwing cards ... and on my trip last year I picked up the little pouch of three throwing daggers (about 8cm long) and FIVE more diver's knives (they were cheap, made in pakistan, and I got the guy on the stall to help me go through about 30 of them to find 5 that didn't have a nick on the blade, I seem to recall that I got all five knives plus the throwing daggers for less than 50 dollars) Also years ago I picked up a pair of rubber shuriken (great for throwing around at parties, though they do hurt and you could put someone's eye out, which is part of the fun...)and some rubber nanchuks (one side is pure soft pipe lagging foam, the other side is the foam with a plastic tube inside it, gives you something hard to hold while hitting people with the soft side), my brother stole the nanchuks and thumped the plastic pipe side against things until the plastic pipe broke ... bastard. Younger brothers are only good for one thing, and parents seem to be upset when you realise that the thing they are good for is target practice... Had a pair of handcuffs and two pairs of thumbcuffs, but then being a magician I got those for doing escapology, and unlike most fetish handcuffs, there isn't a secret release button, you need to have a key or know how to pick them... one pair of thumbcuffs actually wore out, and I haven't seen the other pair in years ... I think I'll buy myself a new pair sometime ... when I've needed to restrain people more recently I've used belts, webbing straps (luggage straps, easily available and innocuous looking!) and long silk scarves (available cheaply as sari sashes from all good Indian clothing shops, in a wide variety of colours ... including black, red, white and pink!) Current Mood: Evil... Current Music: Sisters of Mercy, greatest hits (3 Comments |Comment on this)
4:24 pm	Not only does life suck, but so do most DJ users... ... bored, bored, bored, apathetic, bored ... and too warm (strange woman opposite me at work isn't well and asked for thermostat to be turned up to 27C (which is 80F for those of you in the 20th century or earlier) and so I'm baking) ... ... decided to hit 10 random DJ sites to see who else was here ... god it's depressing. Out of 10 random sites: 3 will be deleted within 30 days unless someone does something 3 have zero (0) entries (great, 60% of DJ sites are totally useless, but wait, how about the other 40%?) 1 whinging loser 1 12 year old wiccan who had decided they know enough about Wicca to educate the rest of us, and spends the rest of the time (when not putting up pre-formatted text which may or may not be just rewording of something already around) whinging about how much her mother, her friends and everyone else hates her 1 lower case rant by another loser 1 lower case totally weird bunch of shit rant which is almost deep by its ?intentional? surrealism ... PlaceCalledHate. That's about 95% crap, which at least puts it right up there with daytime TV. No-one knows how to spell, punctuate, form proper sentences or express their angst and anger except by swearing and lots of exclaimation points. At least one of the whinging loser sites didn't actually want anyone to read it, so I'm not sure why they bothered to post it ... my advice to them is to get a text editor or a web editor and just keep the files on a floppy, then no-one will read them (except your brother/sister/parents/religious leaders and the FBI, who will review them either before or after the next school massacre) "Sometimes it's nice to go where everybody knows your name" ... and sometimes it's great when no-one does .... (Comment on this)
2:54 am	Sleep... Sleep ... Oh! how I loathe those little slices of death - Longfellow Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care The death of each day's life - Shakespeare I love sleep, I hate going to bed, all my life is dichotomies and ambivalences ... ... to sleep is to surrender, and to give up consciousness with no guarantee that it will be given back. It is time that could be spent doing something, or choosing to no do something, but instead is stolen away never to be returned. I need to be at work at 9 in the morning, something I've managed to do maybe 3 or 4 times this year (this morning it was nearly 10 by the time I got in) and it would be easier getting started in the morning if I went to bed earlier (last night was after 4am) I know people who are in bed by 11pm (or earlier), this is a constant source of wonderment to me since the hours from 10pm to 2am are the ones that I enjoy most, the late night TV, the hypnagogic state that aids creativity by allowing free association and the sub-conscious to rise to the surface, oh, and the internet... switching off the TV and heading towards the bedroom occurs sometime around/after midnight but a stop to check email, update logs and journals, do some websurfing and play music always occurs, and depending on what's out there on the net, bedtime of between 1am and 6am follows... ... each day I promise myself that tonight will be different, each night as midnight approaches my good intentions evaporate and I'm drawn back into the dark embrace of semi-consciousness. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Buddhist Chants and Peace Music (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 20th, 2001
6:36 am	Gloom, despair, and other fun stuff... ... this is probably a bad idea, I have enough trouble avoiding depression by, well, avoiding talking about it, thinking about it and, where possible, avoiding other people going through it, the last thing I want to do is type about it ... ... so I won't (for now) ... Current Mood: grumpy Current Music: 33 computers buzzing, people too loud on phones ... hell :( (Comment on this)